This is how much I don’t want to write this chapter…

I’ve been procrastinating all day. In fact, as I write this, I’m still procrastinating. And this time it’s not because I don’t know what to write or I don’t know how to start the chapter. I’ve already started the chapter, I know how it’s going to go and I know what I need to say.

But I don’t want to say it.

Honestly, this is the first time I’ve been this fearful about writing a chapter. Maybe it’s because this particular main character I’ve already tortured more than any other I’ve ever written. Maybe it’s because I know this is really going to SUCK. I’m afraid to find out the reactions to this particular moment of the other characters. I’m afraid to make my main character hurt more than I’ve already hurt her. It’s probably going to take me the rest of the day to get over this hump, but get over it I shall and then both my main character and I will be able to move on. That will be a glorious moment, but it still doesn’t ease my fears about this chapter.

Let’s see…what have I done this afternoon other than writing this chapter? I’ve read other books, watched bits and pieces of movies airing on TV…I’ve checked Facebook and Twitter so much that there’s nothing new anymore…I’ve checked my email copiously (in case you’re wondering, there’s nothing new)…I’ve watched multiple shows on Food Network. I talked to the Girl Scout who stopped by our house while my mom was ordering cookies. I looked on ebay for fingerless gloves. I remembered that I own fingerless mittens from high school marching band, and went on a hunt for those in the basement. I read some more. I decided I REALLY needed to chew some gum, so I needed to find that too. I decided I was cold and needed to go find my sweatshirt blanket and slippers. I went and poured myself a glass of sparkling water, which I then spilled on my writing desk, so I had to clean that up too. I’ve wandered around the house.

Every so often, I decide to write another few sentences in the chapter before I choose to check Facebook again.

I’m pathetic.

I’m sure this chapter will get written eventually today…or tomorrow…and when that happens, I’ll feel so much better. But that doesn’t change how much I DON’T WANT to write this chapter. As much as I KNOW this chapter has to happen, I still don’t want it to. So I will now go and stare at my Word document again, perhaps write another few sentences, and then resume watching Food Network.